Local residents in El Paso, Texas woke up last week to find a wall made out of Crown Skinless condoms on the border they share with Mexico along the Rio Grande River. Local lawn manicurist, Alfred Smith, started fortifying a chain link fence on the U.S-Mexico border with extra strength and extra lubricated condoms. “We need to keep America for Americans. That is why I voted for Donald Trump, and that is why I’m building this wall,” Smith said, while carefully applying bucket loads of multicoloured condoms to the fence.
“I’m applying the condoms with super glue so that they stick together, and then I am going to coat this whole wall with even more lubricant after I finish building it,” Smith said. Right now, the wall stretches about ten feet, but Smith ultimately hopes that it will reach downtown El Paso approximately five miles away.
So far Smith’s wall has garnered attention and praise from other El Paso locals. “I love the idea of a condom wall,” burger flipper, Martin McMaster said. “The condoms are extra strong which will prevent people from getting through. And the lube on that wall will make it hard for people to climb. They’ll just slip right off.”
McMaster is not the only El Paso native excited by the prospect of the new wall. In fact, numerous El Paso residents have started pitching in.
“The wall is the perfect solution to keeping the U.S safe from dangerous immigrants,” local drug dealer Pauline Porter said. “I just can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before. I hope this will help my business by reducing competition from the South. There are some bad hombres down there.” So far Porter’s earnings have been stagnant.
McMaster and Porter showed their support by pitching in on the project, buying dozens of condoms from the local Kroger.
“I’ve already sent my receipts to the Mexican government,” McMaster said. “I just hope their president pays me back in dollars instead of pesos”
Smith’s wall has even caught the eye of President Trump. “It is a great wall. China would say, ‘That’s yuge.’ It’s also economical and cost effective, so Mexico can definitely pay for it,” Trump said. “The Crown skinless condoms are only $0.99 a piece on Amazon. Believe me, I could arrange for a bulk discount, and we could build the whole thing like this.”
Crown Skinless condoms have been praised by Men’s Health and Maxim as being paper thin but also immensely strong. The popular internet health resource, The Gluten Free Orgasm, has named it their number one condom, calling it “both slim and strong like a cunning jaguar or aardvark.”
So far Smith’s condom wall has not kept anyone out. “Everybody just goes around my wall and climbs the fence,” Smith said, “but I know in my heart that, one day, my efforts to truly make America great again will pay off.”