My All-American Hero [satire]

Donald Trump. The Donald. My boy Donny. A genius businessman who owns a multi-billion dollar corporation. Someone who is so smart that he exclusively gets his information from watching Fox News. Someone who is so clever and so sharp, that he managed to avoid paying taxes for years. Someone who is my All-American hero. A red-blooded confederate-flag waving hero. A burger chomping, soda slurping American hero. Someone who has become the leader of the free world and managed to save our country from ruin through verbal policies and wig choices. He is truly one for the books.

There are many reasons Trump has managed to make it onto my list of heroes alongside Malcolm X and Michelle Obama. But the most important reason was all of his campaign promises. During the 2016 presidential campaign – which Donny obviously won because winning is in his blood – he promised us (the American people) that he was going to fix our country. He was going to put the fragmented pieces of our nation back together using his extra-strength wig glue. He promised us that after those horrible Obamas left, our country would be restored to its former glory of pillaging countries and ravishing whole nations for their natural resources.

Another wonderful promise that Donald Trump made to us was that he was going to build a wall. One that would help preserve our freedom. Not only would it ward off horrible immigrants from coming in and stealing our jobs and mooching off of us, but it would also prevent our fellow Americans from fleeing to other countries and taking advantage of free resources like healthcare and college. No longer would we have to deal with such nightmares. Just imagine the freedom of living in between your own walls! Other countries would be wise to follow suit, but it is doubtful that they are truly intelligent enough to understand or appreciate the idea.

The Donald is also an extremely and incredibly clever man. In the beginning of his presidency, he ordered a ban on seven Muslim-majority countries, barring entry to the US. He is just so calculating and intelligent. He knew that the US is currently bombing five out of those seven banned countries, so by banning them he knew that we wouldn’t have to deal with any useless refugees! He was protecting us, the American people, from having to take responsibility for our actions! How wonderfully compassionate of him.

But he’s not just compassionate, The Donald is also so sympathetic. When Bashar Al Assad allegedly gassed his own citizens in Syria, the gentle giant was so moved by his daughter Ivanka’s heartbreak at the state of Syria that he immediately ordered an attack on the country. Instead of allowing those poor refugees an opportunity to escape to America, where they would violently rip our country apart, he simply dropped off a little care package called the mother of all bombs. So nice of him!

With such wonderful qualities that are very rare to find, one would assume that our Supreme Leader Trump could not possibly possess any more. But that is wrong. Just last week, Donny fired the backstabbing director of the FBI James Comey. He knew that Comey was attempting to find incriminating evidence that would cause his impeachment. The Don-man is so intelligent that when Comey refused to follow the gag order issued to him, he fired him on the spot. He showed us that he is not only an extremely intelligent person, but also the only person who has the best interests of anyone who doesn’t oppose him at heart.

No matter what happens in the future, Donald Trump will forever be my All American hero. With his unyielding emotion to hurting others for the sake of protecting our freedom, he has proven time and time again that he is truly the only person fit to lead us to greatness.