What’s going on with the soap? [Satire]

Sign1Written by Jon Reece

Recently in the bathrooms I’ve noticed a pretty severe mistreatment of the soap. Now I can’t really speak to how Wilson soap has been treated historically, but I can safely say the it’s worst soap situation I’ve seen in my time here.  We’ve got soap dispensers being emptied into sinks, we’ve got soap dispensers being torn off walls, we’ve got soap dispensers just disappearing without explanation. At one point I noticed half a wall soap dispensers missing without any indication as to what happened to them at all. There weren’t signs of violence or struggle at the place where multiple dispensers had been, but the actual dispensers themselves were nowhere to be found.  It’s gotten to the point where bathrooms are closed in the aftermath of soap dispenser vandalism.


As someone that uses soap (sometimes as often as once a day) it led me to speculate on the motivation behind such heinous acts of soap theft: Who is taking this soap? What is it being used for, if anything? Below I’ve collected some of my own theories behind the apparently rampant stealing of soap.

Soap is for cleaning things. As such, it makes sense to me that the root cause of the issue is something to do with cleaning. Maybe one person just decided that their car needed some cleaning and didn’t realize that soap made for hands (hence the name HAND soap) probably wouldn’t be as functional for washing a car. After consideration though I don’t think this is the case, mainly because the effort of taking hand soap from bathrooms across the school would probably outweigh any benefit in terms of cost. It’s possible that this is the case, but I sincerely hope it isn’t because it would mean somebody thought it would be easier to do this than go to a carwash. The bottom line is this: that’s probably not where the soap is going.

While pursuing that previous line of thought seems to be a dead end, thinking about soap prices might lead somewhere. Maybe somebody realized that soap was actually surprisingly expensive, and took it upon themselves to get soap for free instead of paying for store bought soap. Although I myself am no stranger to the cost of soap, there are definitely better soaps to steal than the soap provided in Wilson bathrooms. When stealing soap, I would imagine it’s important to consider the value of the soap you’re stealing as well as the availability of said soap. While there certainly is a lot of soap at Wilson available to steal, it’s not exactly the kind of soap you would go out of your way to take, let alone the quality of soap worth literally tearing the entire dispenser off the wall for. If you’re going to commit to stealing the entire container off the wall, that soap better be worth its weight in gold, and I can guarantee that isn’t the soap we’re getting here. Again, it seems clear that the effort expended would definitely not be worth any potential gains in soap.

But what if soap quality wasn’t even a concern? Perhaps the person or people behind this mass soap larceny isn’t troubled by the low quality of the soap itself. My thinking is that going to such lengths to get soap that’s already freely available doesn’t really make sense unless your goal is to stockpile for some larger purpose. Maybe the goal isn’t to use this soap to wash something, maybe it’s for something bigger. I began to think about large scale projects involving soap, trying to find a possible use for a massive amount of soap, until it hit me: a gigantic slip n slide. What else could anyone need that much soap for? To me, this theory just fits too well to be inaccurate. The people stealing soap are just collecting soap by the gallon and waiting for it to be refilled in order to amass a stockpile of soap, to lubricate a huge plastic slide, in search of the ultimate slip n slide experience. At the end of the day it’s really all about those slip n slide goals, and I honestly respect the work that these people are doing. Please contact me if you have any further information on this slip n slide project, I would be happy to learn more.