What Do You Need to Clean Out of Your Life This Spring?

It’s Friday night what are you doing?

  1. Takeout gyros with the squad in my room. Oops a glob of sauce dripped on the bed… eh, it’s fine, just a little snack for later.
  2. Going to ANOTHER Lord of The Rings viewing party. My complaints that Game of Thrones is so much better never seem to be heard:(
  3. Going through the Wendy’s drive through again and again until the thrill wears off.
  4. Plans, what plans? Only plans I’ve got are to rub a dub dub baby.

What’s the first thing you do when you get home?

  1. Get nakey and throw my clothes off the balcony
  2. Wipe up my tears and clean off the dog poop from my hair.
  3. Three hours of online shopping. If mom interrupts me during my me-time I’ll throw my computer at her.
  4. Throw my pencils down the food processor. I just love the whir of them dying.

If you could have one unnatural talent what would it be?

  1. Spaghetti hair. Yummy, Saucy, and it would cover up the grease and BO from the time in between my Sunday night shower.
  2. Disappearing ears. When Cathy won’t stop jabbering about whether you think her right boob really is bigger than her left. Poof. Now all you have to deal with is her big mouth chomping out soundless crap.
  3. Gold earwax. Harvest that delightful wax and buy yourself an industrial ear wax sucker to live a life of luxury, prosperity, and unlimited Amazon Prime.
  4. Never poop again.

You just found out that your SO cheated with that sk*nky b*tch from the Taco Bell where you go on all of your Saturday night dates. What do you do?

  1. Storm to the local dump and throw all of the smelliest wet washcloths you can find through the drive-thru window.
  2. Cry alone.
  3. Buy him/her that expensive pair of shoes they’ve been drooling over for months and send them a video of your dog doing the nasty all over them. Then ship them to him/her.
  4. Binge-eat through the pain and watch all five seasons of that new naked survival-home makeover show on Netflix.

Ideal Minimum Wage Job

  1. Porta Potty Cleaner. Someone’s gotta do it and the smells make me feel right at home.
  2. Toll Booth operator. You meet a lot of interesting people at the base of the bridge.
  3. Literally anywhere that I can get a lot of hours. I keep telling my friends that I’ll Venmo them back for all of the Don Pedro burritos they buy me, and soon they’re gonna get impatient after I keep using the “need to transfer money” excuse.
  4. Pizza delivery driver. Driving around in a car that constantly smells like sauce and cheese, that’s lowkey the dream. The only downside is walking to the door to get the cash.

You were extra nice to your sibling this week so mom said you could choose where you go for spring break. What’s the verdict?

  1. Beverly Hills. Sure, it might be trashy, but let’s face it, so am I.
  2. As far away as I can get. Like seriously it doesn’t matter. I just need a week away from these people.
  3. Dubai. Yachting, shopping, $20,000 a night hotels…For all the time I spend in this dump I need a real luxurious vacation.
  4. Puerto Vallarta. I wanna lie on the beach all day getting as red as a lobster and eating a diet consisting of strictly tacos and horchata, baby.

The Senior Superlative that you’re most likely to get would be

  1. Most likely to slurp the crusty yogurt off locker 327
  2. Biggest SIMP (idolizer and pushover)
  3. Mr(s). Icy Ring Bling
  4. Most likely to fall asleep while pooping in the school bathroom.

That hot new neighbor sounds like they’re throwing a party. The whole block is bumping. What do you do?

  1. Scour high and low for some clean clothes to wear. Eh it’s okay. If I spray some Febreze all over myself I’ll cover the BO and smell just like a clean bathroom.
  2. Maybe I’ll just walk my dog back and forth during my “regular nightly stroll” and hope to get a peek through the window at all of the happy people there having fun.
  3. Take a quick drive down to the local grocery store and buy one of those really nice cheese and meat spreads along with those frosted sugar cookies (you know the ones). It’s a fact that your chances of being rejected are significantly lower if you come with offerings.
  4. The appeal to eat Hot Cheetos while I play Smash on the Switch far outweighs the appeal to shower, get dressed, rinse my mouth… ugh the list goes on and on. I’m just staying home.

Your best friend was just brutally dumped. He/She is a mess. How do you make them feel better?

  1. Bang down their door with buffalo wings. Extra sauce. Keep shoving the wings down until the tears finally stop.
  2. Even though he/she deserved to be dumped (cheated multiple times with the Taco Bell sk*nk)  you still send them a nice feel-better text and a Yerb.
  3. Take him/her out to Korean BBQ. Buy them the party platter of all assorted raw meats and let him/her grill them as if they were the meat remnants of their ex.
  4. Two words. Movie Marathon. Ten hours jam packed with anything we happen to come across on the international section on Netflix.

Mostly 1’s: Dude you are an absolute mess! Does it feel good to live in absolute filth? This spring you really need to clean up your life. This means no more clipping your toenails in bed and definitely no more using brown sheets to hide the various stains that you’ve made and spilled on your bed. Pick one day a week to bring those heaping plates of moldy food back to the kitchen. When the flies and maggots clear you will be left with a whole new perspective on life.

Mostly 2’s: For how cool of a person you are, you sure know how to surround yourself with the worst people! Do a little sweeping… sweep those bad relationships right out of your life and surround yourself with people that offer to share their food with you instead of snatching it and shoving the empty wrappers down your pants. It might feel strange at first to leave a friend’s house with dry eyes and a full head of hair, but trust me it’ll be good for you in the end.

Mostly 3’s: You’ve got to do the opposite of clean. At least when it comes to your wallet. $67 on Takis and those shoes that you know you’ll never actually wear… I am disappointed in your lack of restraint. But not to fear! There’s still time to salvage your wailing wallet before you go hopelessly broke! Each time you buy something, equate it to the hours it would have taken to pay it off. Is that new automatic laundry hamper really worth three hours of working at Target for minimum wage? Your future self will thank you (and me) for this newfound restraint.


Mostly 4’s: You know what you need to clean up? Your act! It may be second semester but c’mon man, getting a C in yoga means that you’ve hit an all time low. You know it’s bad when you start rationing out that one bag of Juanitas for survival because you’re just too lazy to lumber downstairs for another bag. You really gotta learn some scheduling here. Five hours of TikTok a night is not an effective use of your time. If you only cut it down to a short three just think of all of the downward dog stretches that you could get done! Now is the time to determine whether you will be out hitting the town on the first day of summer or sitting in bed reading one Nancy Drew book over and over again because that’s the only entertainment your parents will let you have after seeing that repulsive report card.